i completely lost my sh*t

i just barked at him. before i knew what i was doing, i had completely lost my shit and exposed myself. my raw ego was there in the open, completely unclothed for him to see. the veil fell, and i had to confront myself... yet again.

that was just yesterday. i was on the phone with a good friend of mine, a law school buddy. this is someone i really like, and whose company i genuinely enjoy. we used to go out drinking and would hang out often in law school. i find him to be an authentic guy. but for some reason, yesterday, he became the victim of tension and unaddressed frustration i had simmering just below the surface of my conscious waters. a conversation, that any other day, would have had me buzzing with excitement, felt to me like a threat to my sensitive ego. i was totally on edge yesterday, and didn't realize it until that point.

my friend, rightfully so, told me where to jump off. it took that for me to snap out of it, and realize what was going on. i sat with myself and tried to let it wash over me. i prayed for some understanding and peace, and tried to soldier on through the afternoon. i couldn't shake it, though. after a couple more meetings, i decided to take a couple of hours to myself to try and be still and let my mind take itself to the area that was causing me disquiet. the truth is, i think i knew what it was all along.

i had a conversation on Sunday afternoon that caused me great hurt and frustration. i did my best to repress the feeling heading into the week (can't let anything get in the way of my weekly productivity lol). i did such a good job that i thought i'd actually managed to crush the feeling under the weight of repression. turns out i was wrong. i'm fortunate that my friend was super gracious when i called back later to apologize. i'm grateful for old friends and durable and forgiving relationships. what a gift.

i'm not sure what the point is today, but it was nice to write it out and begin to integrate that experience. actually, here are the learnings:

1. sometimes we lose our shit, and it's okay. we're human.

2. repressed emotions will emerge eventually. our sense of control over them is an illusion.

3. messing up and saying sorry quickly to friends and loved ones is actually good for one's relationships.

term of the day: equanimity. it's a daily practice and pursuit to experience and embody this state. i'm realizing the joy and potential for growth in seeking. tough, inner world stuff, man.

song of the day: Wow Freestyle by Jay Rock (ft. Kendrick Lamar). i'm still coming for that, okay?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTe57jQX5Eg