done sucking in my lips

a photograph of my daughter, Rosie, and me at the park enjoying some outdoor time a few weeks ago.

she doesn't know how to suck in her lips yet. Rosie, that is. i hope with everything in me that she never does. she doesn't know not to love her pillowy-soft and plump lips. she carries herself with a curious self-assuredness. if she weren't a baby, i'd assume it were practiced. my daughter Rosie, is how i once was (perhaps how we all once were) before the world got its hands and impressions on me. before i knew that beautiful, luscious lips were a trait to love, or that my nose was shaped perfectly for MY face, i was a curious, self-assured child. why wouldn't i be?

since then, i think i've gone through a process. i'm still on it, but i'm conscious enough to know now that it's a process. growing up in white spaces. i generally was the only person in the room who looked like me. and, the way i looked, as far as my child brain could discern (i know i wasn't far off) was something other than the ideal to the folks around me whose acceptance i craved. my response was to shape-shift. to change who i was, ever so gradually, so as to slip into a form that resembled something close enough to their ideal to make me feel worthy.

sometimes that was sucking in my lips to make them seem smaller, having my hair cut just so, wearing the right clothes at the right time, or simply just controlling my intonation to make everybody feel that i was from the same place they were from. the truth is, that's all a lie. but i think my process was totally normal. it's only traumatic if one forces oneself to live that way forever. that was a simulation in which i could no longer afford to take part. hence, the changes.

i'd argue it's never worth sucking in. we were born to exhale regularly. a life that doesn't allow for that may be ripe for some re-engineering. why not?

term of the day: circling. i'm very thankful to a good friend of mine who's helping me in learning more about this practice. it feels natural, practical and helpful to me.

song of the day: Jhené Aiko ft. Childish Gambino - Bed Peace (Explicit). these are the vibes today. also, anything these lady touches is gold. expansive. Happy April 20th!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoIpx1ZxFeM